|  Like Jesus Christ, Rasputin, Karl Marx, Osama Bin Laden and Harold Shipman,
I wear a beard, although admittedly less impressive than theirs. A beard
is the mark of a true gentleman. It gives one a distinguished look, it
demands respect and in return it should be used wisely. It also saves time
in the bathroom every morning.
However, a beard can lead one into trouble. Some employers do not tolerate
employees with facial hair. And if you work for The Journal, you are liable
to be pounced on by the editor whenever she needs an instant 500-word piece
on the topic of pogonophobia.
As any seasoned pub quiz addict knows, pogonophobia is an irrational fear
of beards or of men who sport them. Or is it? Are there really people who
are frightened by face-fuzz? Fancy pseudomedical names have been given
to a huge range of phobias but that does not mean they actually exist.
Have you ever met anyone suffering from arachibutyrophobia, the fear of
peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth, or zemmiphobia, the fear
of the great mole rat? I rest my case. In its 30 years my beard has never,
to my knowledge, induced panic in anybody. I therefore have yet to be convinced
that pogonophobia exists.
OK, so some babies and small children may be nervous when they first meet
my beard, but wariness of things you have not previously encountered is
a normal, healthy, human reaction, not a phobia. And some children may
be afraid to enter Santa’s grotto, but that does not mean they have
pogonophobia. No, their terror is because their parents, who have repeatedly
warned them about talking to or accepting gifts from strange men, are now
(having paid upfront) forcing them into a dingy lair to sit on the lap
of a leering old man with a faceful of grubby cotton wool.
In an attempt to discover more about pogonophobia I visited the websites
of several clinics that offer to cure phobias. A typical site helpfully
explains: “Pogonophobia is known by a number of different names.
To find out more, select the one that seems right to you … beard fear;
beard phobia; beards fear; beards phobia; fear of beard; fear of beards;
phobia of beard; phobia of beards; pogonophobia.” Whichever synonym
you then click on, you discover that “Most sufferers are surprised
to learn that they are far from alone in this surprisingly common, although
often unspoken, phobia.” And every other phobia, from arachibutyro-
to zemmi-, also turns out to be “surprisingly common”.
When I contacted some of these clinics to ask about their direct experience
of pogonophobia, the few who bothered to reply reluctantly admitted that
they had yet to treat that particular fear. Nevertheless, they claimed
a near 100 per cent success rate and offered a seductive discount.
So, I do not accept that a panic-inducing fear of beards really exists.
If anyone can convince me otherwise, I promise to replace my pogonoponics
with pogonotomy — once I’ve found a cure for my xyrophobia.
|
The
Pharmaceutical Journal